Choices, first version

Choices.  We all have them, we make them daily, some won't matter much, and some will be life changing.  I don't often ruminate on such deep, profound subjects publically, preferring to stick to upbeat and light hearted articles that encourage people and give them a moment of pleasure or at least don't add to the daily burdens we all face.  Today is an exception to that trend.

I've been quiet for a few weeks now as far as blogging is concerned.  It isn't that I haven't had anything to say, it's more like I haven't had a lot that's positive or upbeat to say.  You see, I'm dealing with a teenager who has a drug addiction, and she's currently on a fast downhill slide that's going to get worse before it gets better.  I've watched her burn bridges, and restrained myself from trying to rebuild them for her, knowing that if I do, she'll just burn them again.  I've watched her roll down the track like a locomotive, seeing in the distance the mountain she's going to run into called reality, knowing that she's been gathering speed to rush to her destiny, and not being able to jump in the way to soften the collision that's coming.  While these are very poetic ways of describing the personal issues I'm dealing with, they in no way describe the chaos and heartbreak, and I'm not going to describe that here. 

Choices.  I'm choosing to reject the "omg, why is this happening to me/my daughter/my family, insert term here," mentality.  It can't happen to me or my family?  Why not?  Unless you're a hermit, the choices of others affect you too, and not everyone makes the best choices.  Please don't feel sorry for me, I am not wallowing in self-pity or denial.  I'll get through this, and I have a lot of my own choices to make.  Please don't feel sorry for my daughter either.  She was fully warned and walked into this with the knowledge she needed to avoid the consequences she's going to have to face now, the fruit of her own choices, and she's going to have to work hard to regain what she's in the process of losing, i.e. she's going to have to build her own bridges back up.  I'll be behind her, cheering her on, handing her the hammer and nails, maybe even cutting the wood, but she's going to have to do the heavy lifting by herself, no one else can do it for her. 

Choices.  I chose today to walk a mile to the grocery store, even though my legs objected.  I chose to walk at a pace that gave me shin splints, painful cramps in the muscles on the outside of the legs.  I chose to ignore the shin splints and keep walking at a rapid pace, because someday those doggoned shin splints will quit if I keep making my legs work.  I chose to make the walk with a perpetual smile on my face and enjoying the journey, even though there's a lot on my mind and I certainly had excuses not to smile if I chose not to.  I chose to buy about 35 pounds worth of groceries, knowing I was going to have to walk them a mile back home, stooped over and looking at the sidewalk for the most part.  The shin splints went away on the way home, apparently if I'm carrying that much I'm either not walking quite fast enough for them to develop or the extra weight mitigates them, something I'll have to keep in mind for future outings.  I chose to observe the sidewalk the entire walk home, because interesting things sometimes appear even on the sidewalk. 

Choices.  I'm choosing to write this article, even though it breaks some of the rules I've set for myself on writing articles.  A younger friend of mine encouraged me to write about what I'm dealing with, thinking perhaps it might be of assistance to someone else.  I'm also choosing to stay as upbeat and positive as I possibly can under the circumstances, knowing that mine also might get worse before they get better.

Choices.  I chose to apply for a good job today that will mean a 4 1/2 mile walk home every evening until I'm able to save up enough money to either buy a car or fix my truck.  I'll be able to ride the bus to work every day, but by the time I get out of work, the buses will have stopped running.  I'm choosing to be positive about the possibility of getting this job however, knowing it will give me more financial tools than I've had in a while, and also knowing that I'm capable of making the walk home, and that I'll be in better shape for doing it.  I'm sure tylenol will be a close friend for a little while while I'm getting used to it though lol.

Choices.  I've been choosing to improve my home environment recently, because it is one thing I have control over.  Spring cleaning is in full force, and I light big scented candles daily now because of their soothing effect on me while I'm working.  I choose to make long term plans for myself when the short term is unpredictable. 

Choices.  Today, for me, it's all about choices.  I look forward to the day when the choices I've made lead to the opportunity for a brighter tomorrow.